I’ve lived the experience of being married to someone who displays narcissistic characteristics. The gaslighting. The manipulation. The emotional contortions required to keep the peace. But parenting with that person—especially after separation—has taught me a different kind of resilience. One rooted in the fierce love I have for my child, and the need to protect not just his present, but his future emotional health.

But here’s the hard part: I don't share the same experience as my son. I was a partner. He is a child. While I could eventually walk away, he still has a relationship with this parent, and will for years to come. And in that relationship, his voice can easily get lost.

So how do we give our kids a voice when one parent doesn’t listen, doesn’t see, or twists reality to fit their own needs? How do we do this while still maintaining enough of a parenting relationship to shield our children from becoming collateral damage?

Here’s what I’m learning:

1. Create Emotional Safety at Home

Our home is where he can exhale. It’s the space where his emotions, no matter how messy or contradictory, are welcome. I don’t correct or reinterpret his experience—even if it’s painful for me to hear. I just listen. I validate. I let him feel seen. For me, this part has been very hard. We have a safe home, so when our son comes back to the home we share together, he is very dysregulated. I know this comes from a place of him having to perform or mask to find mutual connections with his dad at a young age but I am the one getting the brunt of this behavior. 

2. Name the Behavior, Not the Parent

I don’t call his parent a narcissist to him. He’s still figuring out how to love both of us. Instead, I name the behavior: “It’s confusing when someone says one thing and does another, isn’t it?” or “It’s okay to feel hurt when someone doesn't ask how you feel.” He learns to trust his gut without feeling like he has to choose sides.

3. Model Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are learned, not just taught. I model how to say no with kindness. How to protect your time, your space, your heart. He may not be able to set full boundaries with his other parent yet—but he sees what it looks like. And someday, he’ll know how.

4. Get Support (for Both of You)

Yes, there will likely be therapy—maybe years of it. And that’s okay. Therapy isn’t failure; it’s freedom. It’s giving our kids language for what they’ve been through and a mirror to see their worth. And it helps us, too—because parenting in this context is exhausting, and you deserve care as much as your child does.

5. Keep the Relationship Open

I can’t control how his other parent shows up. But I can control how I do. I try to be consistent, available, and honest without being overwhelming. I remind him that love can look different than what he sees elsewhere. That it’s not about perfection—it’s about presence.

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I don’t have all the answers. But I do know this: Our kids don’t need us to fix everything. They need us to witness them, to believe them, and to walk with them as they make sense of a complicated reality. Giving them a voice doesn’t mean severing ties—it means giving them a compass. One they’ll carry long after we’re gone.