When we think of abuse, we often picture bruises or yelling matches. But in many Christian homes, it’s far more subtle—coated in scripture, delivered in a calm tone, and tucked behind the doors of households that look “put together” from the outside. This is the kind of abuse that doesn’t just bruise the body, but deeply wounds the spirit.

The Mask of Spiritual Leadership

As someone who still believes in traditional values and God-given roles within the family, I want to be clear: abuse is not part of God’s design. There is a difference between spiritual leadership and spiritual superiority.

The Bible speaks of servant leadership—of men who are called to love their wives like Christ loves the church. That kind of love is sacrificial, gentle, and humble. But in many cases of abuse, that calling gets twisted. Instead of laying down their lives for their families, some men use scripture as a weapon to control, belittle, or demand silent obedience.

When a man is not truly following God, but still assumes the position of “head of the household,” it can become incredibly degrading. “I’m the head, so you should submit” gets thrown around like a trump card, often with no accountability to the kind of man he’s called to be. That isn’t leadership. That’s entitlement masquerading as theology.

Spiritual Manipulation: Using God as a Weapon

Spiritual abuse often flies under the radar because it’s hard to name. It sounds holy on the surface. But here’s what it can look like:

 

• Being told you’re “not submissive enough” when you express hurt or disagreement.

• Having scriptures quoted at you out of context to silence your voice.

• Feeling like you’re the sinful one for bringing up ongoing issues—like lying, pornography, emotional neglect—because “you’re not being forgiving.”

• Being told to “pray more” or “let God change your heart” when what’s really needed is accountability and repentance on the other side.
  
  

The message becomes clear: you’re the problem. If you’re hurt, you must be bitter. If you want change, you’re rebellious. Over time, you start to doubt your own discernment. You question if your standards are too high. You wonder if you’re just a “difficult wife.”

 

This is spiritual manipulation, and it is deeply harmful—not just to the marriage, but to your walk with God.

When the Bible Is Used for Harm

There’s a unique kind of devastation that happens when scripture—something meant to bring life and truth—is used to control and confuse. In my own experience, I saw this when patterns like lying and inappropriate content came up. If I voiced concern, I was told I wasn’t being forgiving. That I was keeping a record of wrongs. That I wasn’t being “Christlike.”

 

But real forgiveness doesn’t ignore patterns. It acknowledges truth. Real love brings things into the light—not to shame, but to heal. When scripture is twisted to shut down hard conversations, the result isn’t holiness—it’s fear.

And fear has no place in the love God designed.

When It Steals Your Joy and Shatters Your Belief

The toll of this kind of abuse isn’t always visible. It’s a slow soul erosion. You stop laughing. You stop dreaming. You stop trusting yourself—and sometimes, even God.

 

The fun, the joy, the freedom you once had in your relationship with the Lord can get buried under constant second-guessing. When your reality is constantly invalidated, when your concerns are dismissed in the name of faith, you start to question your own intuition. Your discernment feels broken.

 

You wonder if the God you loved is even still there—or if you just got it all wrong.

 

But here’s the truth: God is not the author of confusion or fear. He does not gaslight His daughters. He listens. He sees. He weeps with us. And He calls all of us—including husbands—to walk in love, humility, and truth.

 

If you’re reading this and any of it feels familiar, you are not crazy. You are not bitter. You are not alone.

 

And most importantly—you are deeply loved by a God who does not require your silence in order to be glorified.